THE VAGINAL SPECULUM MONOLOGUE

*the following was  written on 27 april 2006, when isabel was 5, and regina, 3 months old.  :)

I am Mother Superior.

I am the overlord of this household; and as such, I expect my rules to be obeyed. You, my subjects, having sprung forth from the recesses of my adipose-ridden abdomen, shall pledge your grateful allegiance only to me.

Forging alliances with your father, who is of inferior cerebral capacity and is therefore considered beneath me, and whose mere 8 seconds of ecstatic release nine months before each of you were born made possible your existence, will not make you any more tolerated as you are now.

Henceforth I am impressing upon you rules and regulations which you shall abide by under pain of prosecution. Provisions of which are as follows:

CRYING

1. Random and/or habitual crying in the wee hours of the morning is a criminal act. Any infant found guilty of such behavior shall be punished accordingly.

2. Crying or protesting during bath time shall be considered as a flat refusal of authority. Infants crying lustily during such an activity shall be charged with slander and contempt. Pre-schoolers who go into hiding before bath time must remain in hiding for 25 years or be forced to spend the rest of their formative years in the doggy shed.

DIAPER CHANGE

1. After passing out poop, make sure everything is out before demanding a diaper change. Holding something back for the fresh diaper is a reckless and irresponsible abuse of cuteness.

EATING

1. Any pre-schooler caught not eating her veggies shall face a whole afternoon/evening of psychological warfare.

2. Compulsive activities before meals, i.e. praying the entire rosary, repetitive hand washing, arranging and rearranging the silverware, etc., are all obvious measures of stalling or delaying. Scheduled trips to the mall or the beach or anywhere else shall be forfeited for any pre-schooler who is found guilty of such behavior.

3. Eating chocolates without the knowledge of Mother Superior shall be considered an illicit behavior. It is essential for the well-being of the household to set aside a sizable share of the said food item for the overlord.

4. Eating inside the bedroom is strictly prohibited. Those found guilty of this infraction will spend an entire day on top of an ant hill. If a pre-schooler or an infant happens to be a witness to this behavior (e.g. large, bulky mammal called “Dad” eats in the bedroom) and does not report immediately to Mother Superior, that child will spend an entire day on top of an ant hill with the large, bulky mammal.

FURNITURE

1. Much of the furniture in this stronghold is older than Mother Superior herself. Any crack, dent, or hairline scratch shall immediately be blamed on a pre-schooler who shall have, as punishment, a waistbelt coming into contact with her rear.

2. An infant shall be immune from blame only until the time that she is already able to creep or move around freely without assistance. When that time comes she shall be included in the punishment for willful destruction of property. Such an infant shall be incarcerated within the bars of her cot until she reaches puberty.

INJURIES

1. A pre-schooler who has spent the entire day running about and is likely to be wheezing and coughing the entire night shall be made to run around the house all night so that the coughing and the wheezing will occur during the day.

2. A pre-schooler suffering from a broken, or dismembered limb should do her best not to make this matter known to Mother Superior. The penalty for insufferable hyperactivity is the forcible breaking or dismembering of the unaffected limb to balance out the pre-schooler’s appearance.

3. Should a pre-schooler swallow any kind of non-food item, she should ensure that same item is able to pass through the alimentary canal and out of the rectum without incident. In the event that a swallowed object poses an obstruction of any kind that would, in effect, require surgical removal, expenses for the said operation shall be paid for by the pre-schooler out of her allowance for the next fifteen to twenty years.

SMILING

1. Smiling or looking at Mother Superior while eliminating the contents of your bowels is a major offense. Penalty for an infant engaging in such behavior shall be a cold bath the following day.

SCHOOL ACTIVITIES

1. At no point DURING a doxology performance is a pre-schooler allowed to fix a wedgie. Wedgie-fixing is reserved for impromptu command performances at the homefront and for the sole delight of infant sibling.

2. Projectile vomiting, reflex spitting, passing out of gaseous material and/or poop items while the older sibling is performing onstage falls under the category of grave threat. Offenses of this nature warrant a mandatory sentence of bathroom privilege revocation. Therefore, a two to three month old infant who is found guilty of this charge shall have to undergo rigorous toilet training at once.

TOILETING

1. The toilet flusher is not a toy. Misuse by a pre-schooler could break it. Punishment for the broken contraption shall mandate the pre-schooler to flush the toilet manually (read: using the gargantuan bucket) for every time Mother Superior and her mate uses it. It is essential for the pre-schooler to realize early on that Mother Superior has toilet habits bordering on pathologic compulsion. It would therefore follow, since Mother Superior likes to visit the “holy grail” at least twelve times a day that the pre-schooler shall expect to break her back the same number of times.

2. Considering the number of trees felled to make toilet paper, a pre-schooler must therefore respect the limited supply imposed by Mother Superior. Misappropriation of said item shall merit a corresponding punishment of being shoved inside a sack and, ultimately, hanged from a tree as penance for the warrantless disappearance of the rainforests.

3. Overall disrespect for the family toilet shall make the pre-schooler a candidate for banishment, in which case she shall have to make do without indoor plumbing. She shall be made to do her toileting in communion with nature at the backyard, using the cat hole method, beside the pet rooster who happens to have a fetish for pecking the gluteus maximus.

ATE LEN-LEN

1. A pre-schooler should by no means terrorize, malign, abuse, or give the nanny a heart attack. Hiding the nanny’s personal stuff, irresponsible gum disposal (why the gum ends up in the nanny’s hair isn’t as mysterious as a pre-schooler would often claim), shouting “FIRE!” when the nanny toileting is considered a foul offense punishable by flogging.

2. An infant is expected to be considerate of the nanny’s personal needs. The nanny should be permitted to attend to her personal hygiene and bodily processes such as her human need for sustenance and elimination. By no means should an infant cry actively while the nanny is inside the bathroom. Malicious and purposeful wailing and keening to keep the nanny on edge is punishable by withholding of formula for three long hours.

3. Chasing the nanny with a sharp, pointed object will not be tolerated as both of you are still too young to handle such an object. Doing so would only put you in danger of harming yourselves. (see INJURIES)

DADDY

1. Putting flowers, twigs, and other colorful material on daddy’s airsoft guns are not permitted. Daddy doesn’t play with your toys so stay away from his (unless of course you have a masochistic urge to turn your gluteus maximus into a target board). This same rule also applies with Daddy’s boxing gloves.

2. At no point in your lives are you allowed to have a boyfriend or a spouse as far as Daddy is concerned. However, the effectivity of this rule only lasts until Daddy is still walking on this earth. Technically, if Daddy keels over and meets his maker when you’re both already above sixty, only then will you be free to choose your mate.

3. Do not question Daddy’s decision to keep quiet whenever he and Mother Superior are arguing. Understand that it is the male animal’s rule for self-preservation. Mother Superior might eat Daddy alive if he so much as grunts in protest to Mother Superior’s ideas. You will come to realize this once you start dating the males of our species.

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If you, my subjects, remain loyal to your allegiance, you shall be able to maintain the integrity of your mind, body and spirit. Mother Superior will not be as vicious to you as she is to other organisms, Daddy included.

Count your blessings. There aren’t too many of them.